Dear Five Year Old Babs,
Hey, you know when you turned in your "write numbers in correct order" assignment without your name on it, and the teacher had to ask you to write you name on it? Then you cried for about ten minutes because you felt so shitty that you had created extra work for your teacher. Asking you to write your name on an assignment isn't that much more work; spending ten minutes trying to calm down a screaming kindergarder IS extra work for your teacher.
Dear Eight Year Old Babs,
Stop counting your calories. You're 8. Don't let anyone make you feel weird if you want to eat veggies or apples or an entire jar of pickles and coke or herring or or olives or just mustard by itself.
Dear Nine Year Old Babs,
Good job getting your first detention for conducting a seance during recess and being too intranced to notice the bell ring. I'm proud of you.
Dear Ten year old Babs,
Good job getting sent to the principal's office for the first time for writing a story about a sad little girl alien instead of doing the math homework. Again, so proud.
Dear Eleven year old Babs,
Don't try to kill yourself by eating the air freshner packets that come with sneakers.
Dear Twelve year old Babs,
You're not a witch. Stop collecting tree branches and "herbs" (dead leaves) and circling them around yourself while you nap/cry and listen to The Smiths.
Dear Thirteen year old Babs,
oh, buddy, it's gonna be okay.
Dear Fourteen year old Babs,
It's just food, not love.
Dear 17 year old Babs,
Don't date people you don't like.
Dear 19 year old Babs,
Don't be sad when people you don't like break up with you. Also don't go crazy. Also eat something.
Dear 20 year old Babs,
Eat something. Oh no not that much, okay stop!
Dear 22 year old Babs,
So... you're just gonna lay on the couch, utterly exhausted for no reason, eating pizza and watching Buffy naked for three months?
Dear 23 year old Babs,
Don't fuck him, or him, or him, or...
Dear 24 year old Babs,
Be better at making real friends.
Dear 25 year old Babs,
Everyone doesn't hate you. You aren't hurting or burdening people by being around.
Dear 28 year old Babs,
You're gonna be okay.