Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Catptain's Log

5:00 am: I try to wake Babs up. I can't believe she prefers to sleep during the dark instead of the hot boring sun. I almost worry about her. I try to wake her up by sitting on her neck, and when that doesn't work I gently rub my paw through her hair. She groans and pushes me off bed.

5:10 am. It's definitely time to be awake and have breakfast. I paw at Babs' hair until she finally gets up. Rubbing hair is a good way to wake humans up because humans keep their consciousness in their hair. That's why Babs' hair is so messy.

5:15 am: Yay Breakfast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yummy fishhy mush!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Babs is a good human. I trained her well.

8:30 am: Babs immediately went back to bed after breakfast. I allowed her to sleep more but this is ridiculous. I paw at her hair again. Then I climb on top of her torso and paw around in circles until I can tell she is officially annoyed. Then I lay down and purr loudly into her face.

9:00 am: Babs gets up and gets dressed. I try to tell her to feed us again but she is of the old fashioned conservative mindset that there should be only one breakfast, like highlander or something. She cleans up our shit, which is another good trick I taught her.

9:30am: Babs leaves house to go to a coffee shop to "write" "jokes." I pity her sad pathetic attempt at a liberal arts career. Not only has she chosen a path that will seldom produce profits, but she is not of the mental or emotional countenance to comply with mainstream ideas of humor, nor does she possess the strength to handle the constant rejection that will accompany her failings.

After Babs leaves, my little sister, known to me as Other Cat, have the house to ourselves. We commence with some pleasant licking of each other and then walking around and sitting in small places.

12:30pm: Babs returns from "writing." She tries to pet me but she smells like she's been petting neighbor's dogs. I glare at her for a while. She tries to take "selfies" with me to show the internet how much like a witch she looks. I comply for a few minutes and then roll on my back and fall asleep. She tries to wake me up for more selfies but it is now day time and therefore sleeping time. It's not my fault she slept through the entire night like a goddamn savage.