Thursday, January 14, 2016


So, first of all, trigger warning...

The man who assaulted me over a year ago showed up to my show last month to... like hang out, and be a fucking asshole. Multitasking! Seeing him sitting there watching the show was very upsetting, but I felt paralyzed to do anything about it. I'm embarrassed that I didn't do or say anything. At one point during the evening my assaulter asked me if I wanted to talk to "clear the air" and I was like "um of your existence?" 

The thing that really upsets me about this, apart from the obvious, is that he had no sense of guilt for his actions. I make fun of sociopaths sometimes, and that doesn't make me feel guilty. I try to empathize with whatever fucked up thing turned a person into a sociopath, but it's very hard for me to relate to people who don't experience guilt. I still have guilt dreams about using too much of a green crayon in 2nd grade. WHY DON'T SOCIOPATHS FEEL GUILT?! I would call them robots but I think that's insulting and dismissive to robots... Siri apologizes to me when she doesn't know something. Why can't sociopaths be more compassionate, like Siri? Probably because Siri is a girl robot. If Siri was a male robot he'd be like "I didn't understand your request, but I don't give a fuck and I'm gonna do whatever I want anyway and your feelings do not compute." 

If you are a straight cis gendered man do not come up to me after the show and say "I'm so sorry that happened to you." I FUCKING KNOW you're sorry. Telling me you empathize doesn't make it better, just stop hanging out with people who assault women. The guy who sat with my abuser at the show identifies as a male feminist, or in other words kinda sketchy. 

Sometimes people don't believe that happened to me. Why the fuck would I lie about being assaulted? For all of the positive attention it gets me? Women do not lie about assault. That's so stupid. I mostly lie about having seen movies or knowing a band. If you mention a movie and I say "Oh yeah!" that "oh yeah" is definitely a lie. 

The assaulter did eventually leave, but I hate that he felt entitled to show up to my show at all. I hate that he didn't feel any guilt for his actions. The lack of guilt makes me think he might do it again to another woman. Sometimes I say things like "women should not be assaulted!" and everyone's like "you manhating bitch!" And I'm like thank you. I usually argue no I'm not manhating, a lot of people just assume that I hate men because I'm smart. But at this point.... sure... I hate a lot of men. Like I'm not saying that all men are all rapists and assaulters, but statistically... they are.

1 comment:

  1. You need to get help. I understand you've had some negative experiences, but you need to move on and be proud of your growth not scared of your past.